#7: Big mountain small steps

Which way are you facing? Where are you heading? How long will it take to get there? 

These are three foundation questions for navigating in the mountains. But how often do we ask ourselves these questions about what we want in our lives? Time is a bendy thing, with a turn of our head a decade has passed and we ponder on “How did I come to be here?” By stopping, looking up and pointing ourselves in the right direction we can head towards our mountain on the horizon. We can achieve a great deal in life if we are focused on bringing about our long term life goals, “Scaling our mountains.” Maybe you have seen this mountain before, you have focused on this future life goal previously but it seems elusive off in the distance. You tell yourself you don’t feel ready to start the journey toward it. When will you be ready? Tomorrow? Next year? We don’t necessarily need lots of life coaching to know what we really want in life, we simply need to sit quietly and ask ourselves “Where am I heading?” Once we are facing in the right direction we simply need to take a step, a tiny step is fine, towards our mountain on the distant horizon. This small step forward might just be the biggest step in your life.

Is there a distant dream you have long coveted, long imagined for your future self? Do you have a mountain on your horizon? As the beginning of a new year approaches take a small step forward today. Enjoy the first steps on this new journey. First steps are exciting and satisfying when we know we are finally heading off in the right direction. I have had a quote re-emerge in my life at different times, the origins of which I am uncertain, which goes along the lines of “Try not to stumble over the rocks at your feet whilst eyeing the distant mountain.” I take this to mean that once underway trust you are on the right path and focus on the small actions which are needed daily. Step by step you will get there.

#6: Don’t turn down Shame Lane

Have you found yourself in a group situation at work where you have experienced painful humiliation? Where you have inwardly felt the fool - often fuelled by inner self-persecution? I know I have. It may be in situations where you are perceived to be the person who ‘should know’ or worse still you are perceived by the group as the ‘expert'. Many people struggle alone with Shame because to deal with it we need to expose it, un-couple it, bring it to the fore and not ignore it. We need to choose a different road. Shame Lane brings us to a dead-end of burning, self-imposed ridicule. The simple act of choosing not to go down there anymore backed up by some positive self-talk can be a helpful starting place in addressing shame.

I am working on a few simple mantras which you can use/amend for your own needs:

“I am no longer going to attack myself”

“I am no longer going to berate myself in my head”

“I am no longer turning down Shame lane”

“I am doing my best”

“I am ok just here right now.”

Intellectualisation of the problem can help too:

“It's ok to have problems”

“It's ok to make mistakes, we all do.” I particularly like visualisation. Try this one:

Imagine ten green bottles representing the bottled up shame, ten green bottles sitting on the wall. Hey, you can even sing this one. One by one visualise them falling “and if one green bottle should accidentally fall” and then we might just learn to forgive ourselves for our mistakes and maybe even laugh at ourselves.

Much strength to you all in not turning down Shame Lane again.

#5: Backup: 2=1 and 1=0

Computers, aided by artificial intelligence, prompt and nudge us to "backup" our data, "backup" our photos and "free-up" our disk space. Afterwards the system can work faster and has more capacity to face user demand. If something was to fail you have a backstop, a place to go to for recovery.  Knowing that you have that backup is enough, even if you never need to use it.

But do you personally have a backup? Often we can be so busy ensuring our organisations and work is backed up that we have not thought through if there is any personal backup, for me. As leaders the "buck stops here" mentality can mean that we shoulder too many things whilst inadvertently increasing risk in our organisation. But who or what is your backup? If you collapsed or had to escape, down tools, even just for a month, who or what would back you up?  Have you found time to write down the myriad of systems, processes and tasks that exist in your head? Could someone else pick up your responsibility and tasks at short notice? 

The United States Navy SEALs have a famous saying "2 is 1 and 1 is none." In war scenarios backup is imperative. Someone always has your back, fully committed, ideally. You want to plan and deploy in pairs and teams to avoid conflict in isolation, limiting vulnerability. So in looking at your life and your work can you spot and eliminate the vulnerable positions where you currently have no fall back option, where you are isolated, when you are the only person who knows, and ultimately there is #nobackup?

Military units like the Navy SEALs and those teams facing acute crisis and conflict like the MET police know the power of backup (don't be like badcop). Backup is not just for your photos and mobile phone it could just save your organisation and free up your personal mental disk space to make that dream idea, that risky project happen, at long last.

Individually, collectively and organisationally we make better decisions when we know if "all goes wrong" then we can rely on our backup.  

Being a backup for someone else is possibly one of the least demanding but psychologically empowering things you can do. Chances are, that person won't want to need you, but knowing you are there is enough. Think about the people you know, pick the one who feels most vulnerable to you, tell them you are their backup, you are there for them.  

For more on this and it's links to preventing and treating depression carry on reading my blog post on Medium, below: 

“Preventing and treating depression in our older people — social change along the path of the…” by Neil Mapes https://link.medium.com/ChS5JYyAm2

#4: Why is humanity like a baby? To the Power of No

Suzi, my beautiful 9-year-old, sitting at the table eating breakfast, turns to me amongst mouthfuls of Weetabix...

“Daddy, you know humanity is like a baby.”

“Really, how?”

“Humanity gets everything it wants. It needs a parent to say no to it.”

Boom.

Wisdom is clearly not age-related. I am starting to believe that children are secret Zen masters sent to teach us worldly wisdom. If only we could stop and listen, their ideas would change, could save, the world. I wonder how many years it will be before Suzi is Prime Minister.

Saying no. Do you struggle with it? Seems like many of us do.

How many times have you said, “Yes, ok”? The clue in that response is the word, ok, indicating that this particular project is not high up on your passion project list. And of course, you subsequently find out later that this new project is a major drag on your time and energy. It is probably a 20% project in motivation terms but is taking up 80% of your time and mental effort. See Pareto’s law for more on this, being aware of other 80/20 calculations really can make a big difference to your life.

If you find yourself saying “Yes, ok then” or “Yes, all right” or “Yes, why not” then here are three strategies for you.

Name the fear
Often “Yes ok” decisions are based within our fundamental, and irrational, fears. Many of us have a tendency to overestimate the likelihood of something bad happening and we underestimate the time it can take for good things to emerge. Pessimism and impatience rob our better selves and chain us to pain. Tim Ferris has written and published powerful materials on the importance of fear setting and in “defining, preventing and repairing,” see how fear setting works here.

Take the 30-day delay challenge
Just by the simple act of waiting, we can regain control. By putting in place a strategy to bypass our impulsiveness we can “buy” ourselves crucial time. If we resist the urge to say yes, wait and then assess this opportunity, at least overnight, we increase our chances of success. But don’t just sleep on it, ask yourself, ask your dream genie, before you go to bed “How does this opportunity take me towards my life goals, my dream projects?” And see what answer you have the next day.

Start by having a No ‘day’, if that is too hard then make it a No half-day, or No just at work, or just out on the next shopping trip. Feeling ambitious? Make it a No weekend or a No week. You may find that going without is freeing, albeit challenging at first. After a bit of practice, you can then progress to the 30-day challenge.

Take a 30-day delay challenge. Let’s say you want the shiny new shoes or trainers. You have the money. It’s an easy yes, right? But what if you divide the cost of the trainers by 30, and direct that daily amount into a savings account, or use a real old fashioned piggy bank just for fun. If after 30 days you still want the trainers then it might still be yes, but you’ve given yourself the chance to assess it against your life goals. If one of your goals is, for example, to reduce clutter, to consume less, be more generous, be kinder to others then you may find yourself donating your old trainers to charities who can redirect them to people who really need shoes. And you just saved some money as a bonus. Try it, you might be surprised how it can help you make better decisions.

Set short term and long term goals with goal mapping
Once you have unstuck yourself with the fear setting exercise and then have a strategy for avoiding impulsive decisions, which are sometimes costly, you are ready to set your future framework. Opportunities, ideas and decisions come along all the time and in order to assess which ones to say “Yes, definitely” to and which ones to say no to you need a framework, a source of reference and context.

• What are your personal core values e.g. Integrity, Flexibility, Freedom
• What situations get you excited?
• What subjects do you enjoy learning about?
• What do you find easy that other people struggle with?
• What do you love doing that also helps others?
• What is your purpose?

Try setting short-term, medium-term and long-term goals using Brian Mayne’s goal mapping. Thousands of people have used this simple, drawing based tool to change their lives for the better and I have recently completed a 9-month goal map for my relocation to Northern Scotland.  Scroll down to see the goal map which was on my wall for 9 months.

Summary

Saying no has a positive multiplier effect - “to the power” of you. We, humanity, people & planet, collectively need to consume less. Reduction starts by withdrawing, reducing our wants and is inherently embedded in the simple Power of No. Saying no is not easy. We need strategies to combat our impulses, face our fears and outwit the incredibly clever marketeers. Try it today, no qualifiers, apologies or explanations. Be kind, just a polite and grateful “No, thank you.” If you want more on No, there is some wonderful research and writing on this topic, some of it Nobel peace prize-winning (#DanielKahneman).

I look deeply at Suzi, who has now moved on to Marmite on toast. I hope humanity will be just fine and who knows, Suzi might just be Prime Minister one day.

If you like my writing you will find longer articles here Neil Mapes - Medium.